I Hate My Body

It’s not cool. It’s not new. It’s not politically correct. And it can’t be overcome by just saying “stop!” I hate my body so much it affects every aspect of my life. I'm not "curvy", I'm fat. I can't embrace my "curves". When I was curvy (and I was--I had an hourglass figure before kids, now I am an apple) I did embrace it. Sure, I had a big butt, and some mean girls would let me know, but the guys liked it. I wasn't one of those girls like my son's ex who talks about how much she hates herself while she has pictures in a bikini all over Facebook. I always had a bit of a struggle with my weight, but as I've gotten older, weight won...and I have basically given up. Otherwise, I love my … [Read more...]

We Are Who We Are Guest Post by Melissa Collins

Guest post from Author Melissa Collins: I recently saw a Facebook post from one of my long-time friends who wrote that her six-year-old daughter came home from school one day complaining that she was “fat.” Now, I had only just had lunch with my friend and her daughter over the holiday break and I can one-thousand percent testify to the fact that her daughter is most definitely not fat.  She is intelligent and creative, shy but inquisitive – in short, she’s pretty much a dream come true. But even if she was “fat”, would her “fatness” negate all of those things. Does being “fat” make you less intelligent? Less important? Less worthy of love? No, it doesn’t, but somewhere along the way, … [Read more...]

The Fucking C-Section Shelf Pooch

It's all their faults, the fuckers. 2 C-sections. Now I have this THING. Granted, I'm on the fat side. But it's so concentrated in my lower belly above my scar it's strange looking! (That is NOT my belly...mine is bigger) What is this gigantic thing hanging from my body? Before kids I had a butt, but my waist was ridiculously small and I had no tummy. My mom used to have to take in my jeans at the waist. My whole family has big butts and small waists and chests. Then I got pregnant and gained 65 points with my first kid (I actually came out of the hospital weighing more than when I went in to give birth and never took a pound off). Every pound was in my stomach. For years, people … [Read more...]

Chubby Women with Skinny Men

My husband is all lean muscle. All 150 pounds that he struggles to keep on his 5'10.5" frame. He struggles to gain weight! I want to just say a big fuck you to him, but then again, I love every inch of his body. And, yeah, he is big where it counts. When we met, I was average sized, about a size 8. He was even skinnier than me then. As the years have gone by, we have both put on weight. His is 20 pounds of muscle. Mine is 75 pounds of fat. He forgets to eat!!! Who does that? I have NEVER forgotten to eat! I could be stuffed to the gills, but I'm still thinking about what I should eat next. He doesn't really snack, I can find something to snack on all day (and I do). Part of me would … [Read more...]

No Photographs Please

When I am gone, my kids will have so few photos of me. I HATE myself in photos. I have a few good ones, but I avoid the camera like the plague. I have a GAZILLION photos and videos of my kids. Hard drives filled with them. With both kids being performers now, I have filmed EVERY performance, sometimes in triplicate. But me??? Out of the 30,000 photos in my iPhoto library from the past few years, I would say I'm in 25. Book Bash was last week. As I met the authors, they asked if I wanted to be in photos with them. I responded once, "It's not about me, it's about you guys", which is true. But really, I didn't want to ruin my one chance at a photo of my idols with my double chin. I know … [Read more...]

Another Year Older, Another Year Fatter, Wiser, Happier.

I'm old. When did this happen? My husband is 8 years older than me, and he is in his 50s!!! FIFTIES!!!!!????? WTF? How did this happen??? When did this happen? In my mind, I'm still 21. I don't look it, I look silly acting like it, but I just can't understand how I tuned old. But I'm not old! There are people that are always old. You know those people? They could be you own age but they feel so much older. Then there are the ones that hit that mid-life crises and go crazy, and others that still look awesome, even better than high school, still act young and crazy, are cool parents, and have just settled into a happy groove. That's where I am in my life...settled into a happy groove. I am … [Read more...]

The Lies We Tell Ourselves

How often do you lie to yourself? Try to trick yourself? I can't tell you how often I step on and off then back on the scale hoping there would be a slightly different result. The other day, I forgot to wear my fitness monitor in the morning. Then had particularly vigorous sex. I was so mad that it didn't register! (What am I supposed to hook it to?) So what did I do? I stuck it in a ball of socks and ran the dryer. WTF? Who else was I tricking besides myself? I forgot about it for a bit, left in in too long and was so excited it had three lights already. Really. I did that, and somehow believed my own lie? How does that even happen? I lie to myself a lot. Like when I say I'll … [Read more...]

Super Nerd Princess Begins Her Journey

I have an unhealthy relationship with food. If this were Facebook, I’d click “It’s complicated.” I love food. I love its smell, its taste, its...ok I need to stop. Anyway, I took my kid to the park the other day and had the most brilliant idea to have my picture taken with him. Under normal circumstances, it wouldn’t be a big deal but when you’re so large you actually BLOCK THE SUN, it’s something to take into consideration. I came home and wept. Real tears. And then I ate. Why? Because food is comforting. I’m so big already, what’s the difference if I have 4 quarter pounders and a large fry? And maybe some of my son's small fry? I’m beyond help. After my self loathing concluded, I … [Read more...]

Guest Post: Things Not To Say To a Thick Chick

By Guest Reviewer, Kerry G 1. "You have such a pretty face, if only..." What, if only I lost weight? I struggle sometimes to not place my self-worth solely on my outside. Most women do. If someone's pretty, weight shouldn't change that. We all have beauty and worth that have nothing to do with looks. 2. "It's not that hard, just eat less and exercise more" Really? Wow, that never occurred to me. I know all about nutrition. And exercise. But if it were that easy, we would all be thin. But it's not. It's motivation. It's willpower. It's support. These aren't excuses, they're my struggles. I'm not dense. I'm thick. 3. "Don't you want to be thin?" No, I want to be a healthy … [Read more...]

Why I’m Chubby

I admit it. I'm not one of those people who says "I don't understand why I'm fat!"  I know why. I eat crap all day and don't exercise. Plain and simple. I go on crash diets. I lose a chunk of weight but never hit goal. Then I gain it all back with interest. Every time I start with healthy eating...number one, I have issues with number 2...haha, in other words fiber does not work in my body. Runs in the family. It makes dieting a little more challenging, but of course, EXC-- USE. What else is new? Right? Do you really want to know what my excuse is? I'm fucking lazy, and I'm happy. Yup! I'm happy! Am I happy with my body? No. I hate it. But obviously not as much as I hate not eating … [Read more...]