Guest Post: Dieting and Gas…WTF?

  <standing up> Hi. I’m Lisa and I love food. I’m also overweight-by a lot. I have dieted a bazillion times which means I have tried every one of those fucking things.  I’m what you call an Oprah. That’s right. My weight goes in and out and up and down like a bad accordion. One minute I’m thin, the next minute I’m bloated, can’t see my cankles, and I’ve grown a double back with a matching double chin.  My ass and stomach are the same in circumference and you can’t tell the difference front to back. . Almost every day I think, geez I REALLY need to diet again. I had my son 8 years ago. “Oh you’ll lose that baby weight”. You know what? I didn’t! In fact, I think I’m the same weight … [Read more...]

The Lies We Tell Ourselves

How often do you lie to yourself? Try to trick yourself? I can't tell you how often I step on and off then back on the scale hoping there would be a slightly different result. The other day, I forgot to wear my fitness monitor in the morning. Then had particularly vigorous sex. I was so mad that it didn't register! (What am I supposed to hook it to?) So what did I do? I stuck it in a ball of socks and ran the dryer. WTF? Who else was I tricking besides myself? I forgot about it for a bit, left in in too long and was so excited it had three lights already. Really. I did that, and somehow believed my own lie? How does that even happen? I lie to myself a lot. Like when I say I'll … [Read more...]

What the Fuck is on My Face?

I'm not a kid anymore. I don't get zits often (luckily I never did), but a few times a year I get a big zit around my period. For the last few days, my upper lip has been bothering me, and today I woke up with this mambo, jumbo, three headed MONSTER on my lip!!! My whole face hurts, my mouth and mustache area are crooked, and if I could, I'd bury my head for a few days until it is gone. Or wear a sign that says "It's a zit, OK?" My 15 year old has acne. He doesn't give a crap. I do! And it hurts! It is so painful I can't fully squeeze it. Any suggestions? I was going to add a few of the zit popping videos on YouTube here, but honestly, I almost barfed up a lung when I watched one. So … [Read more...]

Wicked Girls GNO! Book Boyfriends

A weekly feature from Ana’s Attic and Starting on Monday Welcome to Wicked Girls GNO. My glass of sangria is next to me, and I'm ready to get buzzed and talk. It's been an interesting week for me. First of all, my husband almost passed out at my gynecologist appointment! (My hero!) Read about here. Then my little guy lost his tooth and now is all gums. Plus, he got the flu. :(  Older spawn was just given a condom by yours truly. Better to be safe than sorry, right? I think I may need a couple more glasses of this tonight.... I was going to write a separate post here vs. Ana's Attic, but frankly, the wine got to my head, so this is reprinted... Tonight's topic is book boyfriends. … [Read more...]

Fun Times at the Gyno

Woohoo for the Gynecologist! I've had enough issues over the years, that the gyno I have been going to for 9-10 years has a folder as thick as my head. The three times I tried to get pregnant, I got pregnant immediately (though one didn't make it). I had my last child at 38, and while I was on the table getting my second C-section, the Dr. asks me "Do  you want me to tie your tubes while I'm in there?" Silly me was thinking..."God forbid something happens to either of my kids, I may want another" even though I knew I was done. But when you are lying on an operating table with your guts hanging in the breeze, it's not the best time to make a life-changing decision like that. So here I am … [Read more...]

How am I Old? I Still Think Like a Kid!

Recently I went away for Wicked Girls Book Weekend, and found myself at the older end of the spectrum. What? When the fuck did I get OLD? I mean I found myself hanging out with a few girls that have MOTHERS younger than me! WTF? I'm in my mid 40s. I have a second grader and a teenager, so they keep me kind of young. Most people tell me I look way younger, but really, who is going to say I look my age? I think that having the extra fat just puffs out my wrinkles. But I'm sure my fair skin and my avoidance of sun have helped. My husband is significantly older than me, I think he looks pretty hot too, despite the hair loss. I consider us the "younger" group of the people my age. There … [Read more...]

Wicked Girls “GNO” Girls Night Out

A weekly feature from Ana's Attic and Starting on Monday This is a new weekly feature I am going to try out here. I will post on a weekend night. I may post similar or different from Ana's Attic, depending on my weekend. This is a place to chat about, men, books, sex, love, kids, shopping....whatever. We can "weigh in" and discuss successes and failures, play games, brag about your kids, and talk frankly. Nothing is off limits! Do you have a suggestion? E-mail me at ana@startingonmonday.com. This week, I am just going to weigh in. I suck. I couldn't even get through a week of dieting! WTF? I walked one day, rode my recumbent bike one day, and drank a lot of water and ate right for 2 … [Read more...]