Guest Post: Dieting and Gas…WTF?

 
funnyfart<standing up> Hi. I’m Lisa and I love food. I’m also overweight-by a lot. I have dieted a bazillion times which means I have tried every one of those fucking things.  I’m what you call an Oprah. That’s right. My weight goes in and out and up and down like a bad accordion. One minute I’m thin, the next minute I’m bloated, can’t see my cankles, and I’ve grown a double back with a matching double chin.  My ass and stomach are the same in circumference and you can’t tell the difference front to back.
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Almost every day I think, geez I REALLY need to diet again. I had my son 8 years ago. “Oh you’ll lose that baby weight”. You know what? I didn’t! In fact, I think I’m the same weight I was when I was knocked up! Men…those bastards. They don’t have PMS or periods, can’t get pregnant, can eat just about anything without gaining epic weight…and can piss out of a moving car. But damn if I don’t appreciate a nice peni…
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Wait. Where was I? Oh yea. I’m fat and need to diet. So I started to diet AGAIN last week. So far it’s going ok but what in THE hell am I doing that I have so much gas?! Check this out: Just last night..it’s in the middle of the night and all of a sudden I wake up and I’m thinking to myself god I have pain in my stomach. I thought oh must be a little gas so I farted. OH MY GOD! It was sooo loud! (and somewhat lengthy). I was imagining this huge plume of gas out of my ass as it was happening.  I thought..should I wake my husband to apologize? Then I realized another man thing: They can sleep through a detonation of biblical proportions and never blink an eye. To make matters worse, I did it again! It was a gastronomical nightmare. But I have to tell you, it felt A-mazing. I felt 10 pounds lighter-no lie!
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So this gassy thing has been going on since I started dieting again. Every time I diet, I have epic gas. I don’t know why. I think when I did Jenny Craig it was the worst. I was ripping them everywhere: At work, in the car, in bed, in the shower, at the grocery store-which as you know is very strategic in that you have to pick the right aisle to let it rip otherwise you will be caught and everyone will give you the stink eye. You know you’ve done it. Don’t be all “oh em gee” on me. Let em rip but stay away from lighters-just sayin.So in closing, dieting produces gas. You may get a smaller but honey, you will also be known as the one the ripped it good.

8b9cfe9d113e63c8e9e45aee11cc2907OK some 411 on me: I work full time. I’m a mom to an 8 yr old dude (who is almost as tall as me but I will still kick his ass when I’m 90). Im married to an awesome guy. When Im not working, I am doing laundry, cooking, helping with homework and/or having a PMS meltdown oh and wishing for world peace (fixing tiara). Aside from my mayhem men-I enjoy quiet. Me and my kindle…just..quiet.  Follow me on twitter at @igotlotstosay

Comments

  1. OMG, this is SO true. I think it’s my body rebelling from all the healthy stuff I’m putting in it. When it’s used to white bread, peanut butter, cookies, eggs and cheese, giving it good stuff like fruit, veggies and fiber kills it!

    I’ve actually had to stop some diets because of it. Jenny Craig actually made me gain weight and I was doubled over with a tummyache the whole time. Slimfast? Forget it, I couldn’t leave my house.

  2. OMG! My husband refers to this as “the gray cloud of death”.

    The worst diet for me was Nutri-System. The gas was horrendous the entire time I was on it! Which was like 3 months – and I hated every minute of it and lost like 8 pounds. Now that I’m doing WW – it doesn’t seem to be so bad after the first few weeks. I just returned from an 18 day vacation though and am starting over – NEXT Monday…and I’m sure my husband will be getting the gas mask out again. You know it’s love, right? 🙂

  3. I think it’s because you’re getting a lot more fiber in your diet when you’re eating healthy and that can wreak havoc if you’re body is not used to it. But yeah….been there, done that!

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