It?s not cool. It?s not new. It?s not politically correct. And it can?t be overcome by just saying ?stop!? I hate my body so much it affects every aspect of my life.
I’m not “curvy”, I’m fat. I can’t embrace my “curves”. When I was curvy (and I was–I had an hourglass figure before kids, now I am an apple) I did embrace it. Sure, I had a big butt, and some mean girls would let me know, but the guys liked it. I wasn’t one of those girls like my son’s ex who talks about how much she hates herself while she has pictures in a bikini all over Facebook. I always had a bit of a struggle with my weight, but as I’ve gotten older, weight won…and I have basically given up.
Otherwise, I love my life. I love what I do. My husband of 23 years is amazing and never mentions my weight. He tells me and shows me he loves my body every day. (He is 150 pounds. How can he?) My kids are awesome, yet my youngest boy is leaning toward being chubby too.
It?s not just that I?m overweight, I?m disproportionately overweight. I look pregnant (very similar to the photo above), yet my youngest child is 8. I was recently asked when I was due, twice.
Since I started reading and blogging obsessively, I?ve gained 40-50 pounds. And I wasn?t skinny to begin with. Before kids, and getting a connective tissue disorder, I was a size 10 with a small waist and a big butt. I was OK with myself. After two c-sections, my belly is humongous, and even if I lost weight, I think I?ll always have that.
I sat on my floor and cried yesterday. Nothing fits around this belly. Jeans just roll right down and land in my c-section scar. I can?t stand to look at myself in the mirror. I hate being in public. I?m a size 20 now, just growing out of my 18s.
YET I KEEP EATING.
YET I KEEP SITTING ON MY ASS, TOO LAZY TO TAKE THE CLOTHES OFF OF THE TREADMILL AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
Because it’s such a BIG hurdle now. When it was 30-40 pounds, it wasn’t so bad. But now its 80 pounds. It just seems impossible.
I look at a few?friends I have who are big girls. They seem so confident. Sigh?I wish I could be that. Both girls are like sexy pinup girls to me and I think they are hot! But then again, maybe if I was proportionate and had a rack bigger than my belly I would?feel a bit better about myself too.
I?m generally a very happy, upbeat person. I stay out of drama as much as possible. But eating sweets makes me HAPPY. Being fat makes me SAD. I?m a miserable bitch when I diet, because my son and husband eat non-stop crap to try to GAIN weight (my 16 year old is 5?10? and 130.)
Obviously though, the happiness from eating must outweigh the sadness from my weight or I’d stop. Right?
This self-loathing affects me in everything I do. I used to be in sales, in fact, they put me with the high profile male clients because I gave good flirt. My confidence helped me sell. Now? I’m so ashamed of myself I couldn’t sell a thing. I was a figure skater and dancer when I was younger. I sang in a band. I dressed like a punk rocker.
Now I’m the opposite.
It is very rare to see me in anything besides black (no matter how hot the Florida heat is), and I hide behind my baggy black shirts and my long hair. I hate being in front of a crowd, and part of me is dreading the upcoming Book Bash because I’m embarrassed. I won’t meet old friends. I won’t take my kid to the water park, or even a public pool or beach.
Due to chronic illness I just let myself keep shoving in the snacks because it “makes me feel better”, and any type of exercise just causes me more pain (though I know my body needs it!).
In the past I?ve had the ?AHA!? moment that made me get serious on a diet and have lost big chunks of weight, yet I always gain them back, with interest. I?m waiting for that ‘aha’ moment. Every day I start off thinking ?today is the day I start!?. Then I give into the? processed snack craving by 3:00.
I started this blog over a year ago to help me lose weight, and?share my journey. I committed to a year of Weight Watchers (I lasted a month). I have gained 20 pounds since starting this blog, and honestly, haven’t posted on it because, hey, what kind of encouragement am I?
But I realized…I can’t be alone in this self-loathing. There are a gazillion blogs out there for curvy confidence and embracing curves. I’d love to be there one of those, but what about us girls that DON’T love our body?
Let me know here if you can relate. Does your weight affect your relationships? Do you love your curves to hate them?