I Hate My Body

I hate my bodyIt’s not cool. It’s not new. It’s not politically correct. And it can’t be overcome by just saying “stop!” I hate my body so much it affects every aspect of my life.

I’m not “curvy”, I’m fat. I can’t embrace my “curves”. When I was curvy (and I was–I had an hourglass figure before kids, now I am an apple) I did embrace it. Sure, I had a big butt, and some mean girls would let me know, but the guys liked it. I wasn’t one of those girls like my son’s ex who talks about how much she hates herself while she has pictures in a bikini all over Facebook. I always had a bit of a struggle with my weight, but as I’ve gotten older, weight won…and I have basically given up.

Otherwise, I love my life. I love what I do. My husband of 23 years is amazing and never mentions my weight. He tells me and shows me he loves my body every day. (He is 150 pounds. How can he?) My kids are awesome, yet my youngest boy is leaning toward being chubby too.

It’s not just that I’m overweight, I’m disproportionately overweight. I look pregnant (very similar to the photo above), yet my youngest child is 8. I was recently asked when I was due, twice.

Since I started reading and blogging obsessively, I’ve gained 40-50 pounds. And I wasn’t skinny to begin with. Before kids, and getting a connective tissue disorder, I was a size 10 with a small waist and a big butt. I was OK with myself. After two c-sections, my belly is humongous, and even if I lost weight, I think I’ll always have that.

I sat on my floor and cried yesterday. Nothing fits around this belly. Jeans just roll right down and land in my c-section scar. I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. I hate being in public. I’m a size 20 now, just growing out of my 18s.



Because it’s such a BIG hurdle now. When it was 30-40 pounds, it wasn’t so bad. But now its 80 pounds. It just seems impossible.

I look at a few friends I have who are big girls. They seem so confident. Sigh…I wish I could be that. Both girls are like sexy pinup girls to me and I think they are hot! But then again, maybe if I was proportionate and had a rack bigger than my belly I would feel a bit better about myself too.

I’m generally a very happy, upbeat person. I stay out of drama as much as possible. But eating sweets makes me HAPPY. Being fat makes me SAD. I’m a miserable bitch when I diet, because my son and husband eat non-stop crap to try to GAIN weight (my 16 year old is 5’10” and 130.)

Obviously though, the happiness from eating must outweigh the sadness from my weight or I’d stop. Right?

This self-loathing affects me in everything I do. I used to be in sales, in fact, they put me with the high profile male clients because I gave good flirt. My confidence helped me sell. Now? I’m so ashamed of myself I couldn’t sell a thing. I was a figure skater and dancer when I was younger. I sang in a band. I dressed like a punk rocker.

Now I’m the opposite.

It is very rare to see me in anything besides black (no matter how hot the Florida heat is), and I hide behind my baggy black shirts and my long hair. I hate being in front of a crowd, and part of me is dreading the upcoming Book Bash because I’m embarrassed. I won’t meet old friends. I won’t take my kid to the water park, or even a public pool or beach.

Due to chronic illness I just let myself keep shoving in the snacks because it “makes me feel better”, and any type of exercise just causes me more pain (though I know my body needs it!).

In the past I’ve had the “AHA!” moment that made me get serious on a diet and have lost big chunks of weight, yet I always gain them back, with interest. I’m waiting for that ‘aha’ moment. Every day I start off thinking “today is the day I start!”. Then I give into the  processed snack craving by 3:00.

I started this blog over a year ago to help me lose weight, and share my journey. I committed to a year of Weight Watchers (I lasted a month). I have gained 20 pounds since starting this blog, and honestly, haven’t posted on it because, hey, what kind of encouragement am I?

But I realized…I can’t be alone in this self-loathing. There are a gazillion blogs out there for curvy confidence and embracing curves. I’d love to be there one of those, but what about us girls that DON’T love our body?

Let me know here if you can relate. Does your weight affect your relationships? Do you love your curves to hate them?




  1. Reading this made me cry, I can relate to this so much. I don’t love my “curves”. I carry my weight in my stomach and have been asked on multiple occasions when I am due. I have also had 2 c-sections. My husband has never been anything but supportive and always tells me I am beautiful, he like your husband can eat anything and never gain a pound. Some days I feel ok, some days I feel horrible about myself. Everyday is a new start though.

  2. I feel ya sista! You are NOT the only one. I’m right here with ya. I’m extremely unhappy with my body as well. I was a size 12 at my slimest and now a solid 22. I hate it and I hate the way I look but I love food too much. I live to eat it and make it. I enjoy cooking dinners and desserts and trying new recipes. I hate dieting and feeling like I have to starve myself to “look” good. I wish I could be happy with how I look now but I’m not and u also don’t know what to do. Feel free to email me and we can eat and cry together via messenger. Lol.

  3. Ivy Gongora says

    You have no clue how this made me feel.
    My name is Ivy, I am 27 years old 5’9 & weight 260 lbs.
    I don’t love my body. I hate it actually. I try so hard to diet, but unfortunately my will power is crap.
    What’s funny about everything is that I want to lose weight mainly for 1 reason and 1 reason only, that’s to have a baby. Every one keeps telling me that the reason why I can’t get pregnant is because of my size.
    Do you have any clue how that makes me feel? That I am the one at fault for not being able to bring life into this world. It breaks my heart thinking about it, I can’t help but cry while typing this.
    I know people say that one shouldn’t complain, one should be happy with themselves, but sometimes it’s hard to be satisfied. I have never been very skinny. I often wonder what it would be like to be skinny & if I would even be happy. My husband loves me… Adores me in fact. Tells me everyday that I am beautiful, but some times living in South Florida it is very difficult to believe things like that. When women that are about the size of your forearm walk by you wearing a bikini and you’re sitting there in your one piece, it just makes me think “What the hell is he doing with me?” Trust me, you’re not alone in the battle of confidence. I am right there with you & I can’t wait to meet you at book bash. I will high five you when I see you. You are extremely brave letting it all out there & talking to us. Honestly, this is just as much of inspiration as some one who was fat & now is skinny. Thank you, for writing this.

    • My real name is Ivie (pronounced Ivy!) and I’m in South Florida too! You need to track me down at Book Bash!

      • Yes, I definitely will.
        I actually spoke to you today through a private chat.
        I was the lady looking for tickets. LOL.
        My name is actually Ivette, but every single human (including my parents) know me as Ivy. Lol.
        I am so excited to meet you!!! 🙂

  4. Oh my…how much this sounds just like me. I had a sit-on-the-bedroom-floor-and-cry-in-despair moment just yesterday. It should be easy, right? Just stop eating! It’s just not that easy. Especially when food is one of the ways we comfort ourselves. I always tell myself that I “Don’t have time” to exercise or eat healthy but that’s a bunch of bull. I think a big part of it is self-loathing. Eating well and moving your body is a way of caring for yourself and nurturing yourself. But how can we love and nurture our bodies when we hate and resent them. It’s a vicious cycle and we are always hardest on ourselves.

  5. Relate? I could have written that blog myself with a few alterations. Try not having a man and attempting to get a date on top of it. I know that confidence is a huge turn on for men but I don’t have that either. I feel totally alone and feel like I will always be that way because I lost my sex appeal. Don’t get me wrong. I have a lot to offer, I just feel like no one will ever be able to get past my looks to see the real me. Its disturbing and disgusting to feel this way. My ex-husband left me and our 3 kids for another woman and told me he would come back home if I lost weight. That was 1998. Since then I didn’t care about outside relationships. F them all. I just focused on my kids and working to support them. Now (16 years later) my kids are grown and I don’t know where to start. So the moral of this story is don’t be like me. I don’t blame my lack of self esteem on my ex. I know it’s me that has to care. I’ve done diets that caused me to lose, and like you, I gained back with interest. So about a year ago I picked a day and did good that day. That day made me feel better, then I went for another day and another. Then I went for 5 days in a row, etc., etc. It’s baby steps and I know that nothing happens over night. I have learned that making a mistake is not failure or a reason to quit and I use what support group I have to my advantage. Fitness pal works for me to help not to over eat. I feel your pain more than you know. I tried exercising without changing my diet and while my body shape changed some, I didn’t really lose weight. Now I’ve added diet to the program. In a year I have gone from an 18-20 womens to a 16 misses. I’m not as disciplined as I should be. I love Crack Daiquiri Saturdays with my girlfriends. It’s so hard for me to find that balance but I refuse to give up and I won’t. Don’t you dare throw your hands up either. You are a beautiful girl and deserve to feel good about yourself.

  6. The sad thing is that we end up hating our bodies, yet our bodies are not the problem. We sit and eat that we know we shouldn’t. The body can’t stop us. I lost 30 lbs. by the beginning of 2013. I lost my job, got a new one that I wasn’t sure I’d be able to keep and started eating way too much food, ignoring my body’s signals that said it was beyond full. No surprise, I gained the 30 and more in a matter of months.
    However, I didn’t gain it all back as fat, since I had given away my fat clothes and didn’t have to buy the biggest sizes back. I had gained muscles, so my clothes fit better, even though the scale said a larger number.
    I stopped blaming my body and hating it. I decided to feel compassionate and start to deal with some uncomfortable emotions, instead of stuffing them down with food. I talked aloud, when no one else was around. I talked about it with some sympathetic friends, and started to get some healthier snacks that I could binge on when I felt out of control.
    Have I lost all the weight? No. But I already feel better about myself, more connected to myself, and I don’t hate myself or my body. This, to me, is most important in breaking the cycle. I am now adding exercise that I enjoy (walking home along a nice route, DVD/online exercise videos). I can’t continue hurt my body with my habits and then blame it.
    I am not starving myself, but am eating healthier (and tastier) meals. I am looking at losing 2-4 lbs. a month. So I am far from my goal, but so what?! It’s about a healthy relationship with myself and my body. The battle needs to be over. This is long-term, not a quick fix.
    I appreciate how you feel and sympathize with you. But you need to make a change and get some support. It’s not easy, but the cycle you’re in needs to be broken. It sounds like you’ve given up on yourself. Somehow, find a way to believe in yourself, regardless of your weight.

  7. I’m grateful I’ve found this!!! Sometimes I think we feel like we are the only one who struggles

  8. I often feel like this. I even had weight loss surgery and while I have lost a bunch I feel like I would “love” my body if I lost another 100 lbs. but it is so hard, between work, kids, book and blogging it doesn’t happen. I often think today I will. And I try but end up hungry and at a store that has chocolate and or chips. And I can’t give up diet coke.

  9. Sarah Dosher says

    I love YOU and I love this post! Yesterday was a bad day for me too and I broke down to some friends of mine that are also trying to lose weight. It’s so tough and I mentally beat myself into submission…where in this case submission is a cupcake or donut.

    I’m also dreading Book Bash because of this. I’ve bought all new clothes hoping to make myself feel more confident and better about myself…but the process of buying those clothes has done a serious number on myself. The hardest part for me is that I don’t understand why if this causes me so much pain and heart ache that I can’t just defeat it. But it’s one huge cycle…I hate my body but I made this body what it is and therefore I hate myself because of that which makes me upset and then I eat.

    My twins are 4 and I gained a lot of weight with them, but I’ve gained additional weight since they were born. especially in the past 15 months since I’ve been writing. Being an author is a lot of time spent sitting and snacking on horrible foods.

    I don’t want my twins to grow up and have the same battle with food. My kids and my husband tell me I’m beautiful, my daughter says she wants to be just like me when she grows up. I hope she isn’t, I hope she doesn’t fight this same battle like I have. My husband is also great and tells me how gorgeous I am, but I’m not. There are parts of me that are, but overall I’m not.

    But luckily I have had a sorta Aha moment thanks to some fellow authors and I’m getting on the right track to being healthy and hopefully happy too.


    • Being a blogger and an author are similar, we are writing and on social media all day. I Am going out of town this weekend for a party and then we have Book Bash. I went shopping today. It was awful. I bought more yoga pants.

  10. Michele Friedman says

    Number 1, come find me at Book Bash next weekend because I want to give you a hug. Number 2, I am you. I completely understand everything you’re saying except I don’t even have the excuse of having been pregnant and giving birth twice on top of a connective tissue disorder. You’re not alone. I think we all feel the same way and do the same things and make the same excuses for ourselves. You’re the bravest of all though. You put it out here on this blog for all of us to see. You are a hero. I’m looking forward to meeting you at Book Bash where we’re going to have a fabulous time no matter what our weight.

  11. I wish I had words of encouragement for you, but all I have is understanding. Reading this it felt as if the words were coming straight out of my own head. It’s a never ending cycle of embracing my body, getting fed up with it, depression about it, start doing something to change it and finally failure. I’m impatiently waiting for my moment that changes it all. As I sit here in tears, I’m thinking maybe this is it. Thank you for giving me a slice of hope. It’s comforting to know we’re not fighting the battle alone.

  12. Mia Ellames says

    I kind of loathe myself right now….but not for the reason why you might think.
    I came to this post via your book review of “Fat”. Even though like yourself, I believe there are many, many ladies out there that can rock being large, I can’t ever feel that, and as a result, when I escape into fantasy, I still see thin as being sexy….even though I know I shouldn’t be so shallow. Is my mind conditioned to think that way? I’m obviously as bad as the ones who criticise me when I can’t stop eating because even though I try and be comfortable with my curves, I’m not. I WANT to be thin, I want to imagine a relationship between a hot alpha male and the slim heroine of the story.
    Every week I try and make a choice, to live healthier and every week something stands in the way and I put it off. I look at every thin mother I see and wonder how they stay that way? Sad isn’t it that I’m obsessed with others rather than getting on with the matter at hand and actually stop cramming food in 🙁
    A few years ago, I suffered with a neurological illness that left me physically and emotionally drained. I’m getting back on my feet but the weight piled on from feeling so miserable and inactive during that time. I also have a back and knee injury, so every time I try and exercise, it takes days of pain killers to get right again, meanwhile the eating resumes and the small amount of calories I managed to burn off in my feeble excuse for working out goes right back on. It’s desperate :'(
    As an outsider looking in, I’m telling you that you are a good person and that weight shouldn’t matter, but as an insider, I know how you feel. Every. Single. Day.

    • Mia, you said exactly what I deal with. I am totally with you. It doesn’t help that my mom is still 120 pounds since she got married 55 years ago. My sister was 127 pounds the day she gave birth to twins. I’m still totally jealous of the skinny girls.

      • Mia Ellames says

        I’m going to try Paul Mckenna’s hypnotic gastric band surgery. I’m a total sceptic when it comes to that kind of stuff, but it actually worked when I did his smoking one so worth a shot in my book! He focuses more on emotional comfort eating and controlling the urge to eat. What he says about diets makes so much sense too….ultimately they don’t work because the weight ALWAYS goes back on and more, I end up heavier each time! He also insists thin people are thin because they eat what they want and stop when they’ve had enough, everything in moderation so to speak. Why do they stop and we don’t? Because we’re OBSESSED with food! I know I am :(. Deny, deny, deny, BINGE…….

  13. Boy can I relate to this. Last year I decided to stop whining and do something about it. On September 24, I had gastric bypass surgery. Since then I’ve lost around 85 pounds. I still have 30-40 more I wish to lose, but I am beyond ecstatic with my results. I, too, am an apple. My husband was absolutely against the surgery until I told him that the main reason I wanted to do it was to get healthy so I could live longer with him and our 2 boys. I’ve always been a heavyset girl, but at my highest I was 271. I hated myself. Life isn’t always a bed of roses now, but at least I can stand to look at myself in the mirror again. Hugs to you Ivie, and everyone else here. The fat shaming that goes on in this country is absolutely ridiculous, and I despise that it causes us to hate ourselves.

    • I have contemplated it. My husband is dead set against it. But I think the biggest problem is, I can’t say I’ll give up my junk food, and you still need to make that change for the surgery to succeed.

      • I’m not saying this happens for everyone, but this is MY experience. I was an absolute junk food junkie. Chocolate was a major one of my food groups. Since the surgery my tastes have totally changed. I no longer crave sweets and I’ve completely given up fast food. I’ll have a piece of chocolate once in a while, but I still have a bag of Cadbury mini eggs (my favorite!) from Easter, still unopened. The surgery was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. Well, that and discovering Kristen Ashley books! If you ever want to talk about it, please email me at mtglamourgirl(at)gmail(dot)com. I’d be more than happy to share more about my experience.

      • Mia Ellames says

        Give the hypnosis a go before you go under the knife…..what have you got to lose other than a few dollars on the book/CD if it doesn’t work?

  14. Thanks, Anna, that is pretty much it. I was a regular gym junky (3-4 times a week) when I was in my tweens and early thirties. I met my husband then and about 6 months before we got married I stopped going to the gym. I was busy organizing the wedding, then organizing my visa, then the move to Australia. I was about 58kg when I moved. My husband was tall and well built but I quickly learned that all his sport activities were in the past. Karate and Skydiving was all he was talking about but he hadn’t done much of it in the last few years. About 6 or 7 years ago he wanted to revive his skydiving and finish off his A license but the choice of club and drop zone we made do do so was a big error. He had a parachute malfunction and it all resulted in an accident in which he broke is ancle. Since then he has been in and out of hospitals, deals with chronic pain and painkiller dependency and is less than active. He is working but also shuffleing loads of junk food into himself. I unfortunately joined him in the beginning without the activities that came before and one half hearted try to get back into a gym routine was abandoned after only three months. Since then I have gained more weight and when I pop on the treadmill now I usually calculate for 80kg, and I am only 160cm. I don’t have that hour glass figure either, my fat is evenly distributed all over my body. Even my feet won’t fit in shoes I have worn when I came to Australia. My fingers are chubby and I don’t even want to go to the big life safing ring around my waist line. I am so sick of this not fitting into nice clothes anymore but I still drink coke and eat chocolate. It only keeps me happy for a very short time and then the bad conscience kicks in and makes me feel dreadful. Not having a full sized mirror in the house is even worse. Then I at least would have a reminder and not spent weekends at home instead of hitting the gym whenever I can. I really want to change and I do feel better after 1 1/2 hours of physical exercise but I also have to play mindgames to outsmart my brain that knows that I am at home and comfortable. And I am still noticing (even while writing this comment) that I make excuses why I cannot go to the gym. This mindset is so dangerous.

  15. Courtney says

    I am right there with you! I think my post C-section stomach is so gross. A massive blob of flesh – and my youngest is 10! I lost 40 lbs on WW after kid 1, and 30 after kid 2 – which I have gained all of it back. I need to lose 40-50 now. So I know I can lose weight on WW. But I love to eat. And I hate the way I look. It’s an awful battle to have with yourself. 🙁

  16. Megan Wickland says

    My sweet friend. I love you. And I understand what you’re going through 150%. I have the same struggle. And it sucks. Big hairy donkey balls. I spent 45 on Saturday morning in my closet, on the floor, balling my eyes out over what to wear to the splash park with my size 2 friend. I loathe when you body shame yourself, because all I see is your beauty. However, I know your struggle because I struggle too. We always see the worst in ourselves…critiquing ourselves worse than any bully ever would. I can’t take away your feelings about your body, because they are yours to feel and yours alone. BUT, I will NEVER stop telling you how beautiful you are… inside and out. I can only hope that sometimes my words sink in, and you can see how FABULOUS you are in everyone else’s eyes.


    • I love you too, and it’s funny but you would never know that you go through it. You seem so confident and freaking gorgeous.

  17. There are parts of me I love and parts of me I hate. I have been a big girl my entire life. After nearly five years with my husband, I figured to hell with it. He loves me how I am, I must not be that bad. I am happier for accepting myself. However, I was trying on bathing suits, you know ones with the skirts–that was a big no. My thighs are wobbly and dimpled and disgusting.

    Let me tell you about my journey with weight loss (I’ve lost about 40 pounds–and it’s staying off–in just under a year.) I have hypothyroidism. My blood is tested every six months to make sure everything is working. About a year ago, I tested as borderline diabetic. Scared me to death. My family doctor sent me to a dietitian. Her big rules, it’s not a diet and don’t call it one AND stop using negative words like ‘lose weight’.

    I had to set goals using positive words to trick my brain. I don’t know, it sounded like bullshit them, sounds like bullshit now; but I’ve seen results. You have to change the way you eat; the times, the types of food, the amount of food. I began eating breakfast everyday and watching portion sizes. I counted calories at first, but I stopped that because it made me feel like shit. If I want ice cream, I have ice cream. If I want a brownie, I have a damn brownie. If I want pizza, I EAT PIZZA. But I also eat more grilled chicken salads, more yogurt, more fruit. I feel like all I do is eat sometimes. I also exercise by doing things I love. I play Just Dance on the Wii with my kids. I go for a family bike ride–everyone knows mom isn’t going the four miles they do, but I’m up to two now. My husband and I will take a 20 minute walk around the neighborhood without the kids (almost feels like a date). I get off my butt in the middle of the night when everyone else is asleep and dance around my living room like a stripper.

    I haven’t lost weight fast, but it’s coming off and staying off. I’m not dieting and I’m not denying myself anything. I’m changing my whole outlook and my habits. I now eat three meals a day with one or two small snacks. I feel better. I have energy.

    Do I still hate my disgusting thighs? Do fish swim? I’m a long way off from where I want to be, but slowly but surely. And I’m not testing as borderline diabetic anymore.

  18. I live down the road. Maybe we can start on Monday together. I had lost 118lbs then I let it take a turn for the plus ponds when I got diagnosed 6 weeks ago with autoimmune cirrhosis. It sucks badly and I need to keep motivated. But this was a great article!!!


  19. Wow. I FEEL the exact same way. Since I lost my job about 5 years ago, fell into a deep depression, turned 40, and started writing full-time, I have added on so much weight that I hate to leave the house now. I am embarrassed about how much I’ve let myself go. I used to be thin and a fashionata, now I only wear baggy clothes and live in my sweat pants. Finding the willpower gets harder as you get older, I think. I’m just so tired all the dang time. Maybe we need to start a private online support network to inspire each other. Anyway, you are not alone. Hang in there!

  20. Boy to I get it Till about three yrs ago with a medication change I gained seventy pounds in three months My back is so bad and I’m never not it pain I’ve never even after having my baby girl in 2001 and losing that weight weighed over 120 lbs I’m 5 2 so I’m short with most of the weight in my belly I look pregnant I refuse to look in a mirror as I no longer even look like myself Functioning daily is a struggle and I’ve tried to exercise like an idiot I can’t walk through Wal-Mart or the grocery store without a serious increase in my pain level Not able to sweep mop or vacuum without sitting down to relieve the pain fifty times The medicine works so I am sure not going to try to change it since it took a while to find what worked I’m stuck I’m not a big eater either Oh how I’d live to just look like myself and get back in my old clothes Its depressing and yet another struggle to add to my list

  21. OMG — you wrote this for me, didn’t you? And you don’t even know me yet, but these are MY words. MY thoughts.


    Oh hon… you are so not alone in feeling this way. Two c-sections with the last one being for twins … I lose a little weight and I still feel defeated because of that stupid pouch/skin blubber thing — it just won’t go away. I didn’t have the time or energy to care before, but now that the twins are 9 — I wonder if I am too late.

  22. Rachel Tyner says

    Why do people who think and feel the same way I do not live in Wichita, Ks so we can have our breakdowns together??? Since the beginning of time, I have been the big girl. I walk like I have a shitload of confidence and am untouchable but I am beating the shit out of myself on the inside every second of the day because I can’t get it together and lead the healthy lifestyle I pretend to live. Sarcasm tends to get me thru my issues. I have lost 49.4 lbs since Oct 2011. I somehow became motivated and dedicated and was that healthy person I had always made fun bc it seemed to me they should be bored with no good food going into their blood stream. I am still at 192 lbs and obviously have more to lose but am back to the mindset that I was before I started. Food is my best friend and the worse it is for me the more of it I am going to eat. I just consumed an entire bag of Milky Way Carmel minis before I found this blog and if I would not have just typed it here, no one else would have known bc I already hid the trash… Why is it so fucking hard? Why am I such a head case? I have too much good stuff going on in my life so how come I can’t add to it and do something good for my health and confidence and well-being?

    Thank you for letting me know I am not the only crazy fat girl in the world! I seriously never thought anyone else felt and thought the same way as me! Feels a little better to know I am not alone.

    Here is some food for thought that I used at the beginning of my journey… It’s not who you are that is holding you back; it’s who you think you are not!

  23. Not sure if anyone reads these comments anymore since this post is old… But I came across this just now. I practically ran out the mall today, holding back tears (and failing at it). I hate every single thing about my body. I always have. It’s so much worse after having a baby 11 months ago. And yet, I don’t stick to any diet or exercise. I came home and emptied my closet of just a few things that I think I’m still worthy of wearing. (Loose pants and loose long sleeves, bring it on Texas heat). 4 large black trash bags later and I have 2 pants and maybe 6 tops. Ripping all the beautiful clothes that “I’ll get back in to again” off their hangers felt good and regretful all at once. I just hate my body and myself for being too weak to do anything about it. My weakness and laziness has become greater than any love I had left for myself.

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