It’s amazing how different I am since I became heavy. I used to be a figure skater, a dancer, I sang in a band, I was in every play. I was an attention whore. As I got older, I sold advertising, and was confident and flirted my way to be the best salesperson in the company.
Now? Total opposite. I had a crazy weekend that I was in charge of this past weekend. As a blogger under an assumed name, I liked being anonymous, where nobody knew who I was and I can hide behind my computer. But to be out there and having to be at the center of things when I’m heavier than ever wasn’t as easy as it may have appeared.
This may sound awful, but we are all friends here. Since I was ordering shirts for the group, I saw there were lots of larger sizes, and I was relieved to not be the only one. How awful is that? In real life my sisters and mom are tiny, all of my friends are skinny, even my husband is thin. I’m always the big girl in the crowd. So I was looking forward to fitting in for a change.
Turned out there were a shitload of gorgeous women, and women who may have been bigger but the confidence they had made them gorgeous as well, but I had a great time anyway. I loved how one of the skinniest was the one who wouldn’t let me get down on myself. As soon as I got to know my roomies, I felt almost comfy enough to not worry about my weight which was awesome.
But I am different. I would never, in a million years even sing karaoke. I walk with my head down, I wear black most of the time, my lack of confidence has spread to all of my daily activities, and I can’t imagine going out and selling again. It also doesn’t help when my mom calls daily to “check on my diet progress”.
I have to say, my husband has never done anything but compliment me on my body, he is so amazing and makes me feel so good, I thank goodness for him every day. I also met Jasinda Wilder this weekend, author of the Big Girls Do It books, she is AMAZING. Confident, funny, gorgeous, and about my size (but she carries it way better)…I want to be her when I grow up (so she is a lot younger than me, who cares?) I would like to get to that point where I feel good about myself. I don’t want to be skinny. I just want to not look pregnant!
I have Lyme disease. I have been diagnosed with other neuro-muscular diseases for years, and I think I use my pain as an excuse not to exercise. But I have joined Audible.com, so now I have books to walk to, and I will be forcing myself to move my ass and maybe gain a little confidence back in the meantime.
Now I am looking through the photos of the weekend, and I can’t believe I ever let myself get this big. You would think that would motivate me more, no? I guess not, because I haven’t stopped eating crap! But the pictures bothered me enough that this time, I really am…..Starting on Monday. ?Who wants to join me?