Spanx to the rescue?

MjAxMy01YmRiNGZkNTU5ZWU5YTQ5I’m not sure if it’s Spanx to the rescue or I need a rescue from my Spanx!

My kids were playing (they’re in a band) at a safari themed fundraiser the other night. It was at a fancy golf and country club, so I knew I had to dress up. Sadly, I looked in my ridiculously-overfilled-with-clothes-I-don’t-wear walk-in closet and I don’t own one single thing with animal print. (90% of my closet is black, grey or purple) So I went with one of my standby black maxi dresses.

It’s been a while since I dressed up. I’m in Florida where it’s still in the high 80s, but of course I had to wear a shrug to cover my fat arms. Now the question….what to wear underneath the dress? It covers a lot, but I had to avoid chub rub and I didn’t want to be caught with the chub rub cream failing in the middle of the evening (see my post on chub rub here). I tried on men’s boxers, but they were a little lumpy under the thin material of my dress. I also have two pair of bandelettes. These are an amazing invention of lace that really stay up around your thighs! But I needed some tummy control.

So I start searching for my Spanx. After dumping my over filled lingerie drawer on the floor to rifle through everything, I found a nice light pair. Then sat down to touch up my makeup….pffffft.…roll down and wedge into my c-section scar (which is still super sensitive). So I found another pair. After working up a sweat (damn, is my makeup running?) I get them almost all the way up. The last three inches though? Not happening. So unless I wanted to walk like a penguin all night, they had to go. So I sweated and cursed and couldn’t get them off. Finally, success! Then I remembered I had a good high pair of spanx….somewhere.

I dumped half of my closet and another drawer and finally found them (mind you, my husband took the kids to the place an hour ago…I never miss their performances, and I’m about to be late). So I try to get them up, the only problem is, I am literally sore and already bruising from the last pair. But I finally get them up and voila! Lumps are gone, all feels good. All I need is more deodorant and some powder after my workout.


Then I get there. I have really long hair that I rarely need to style…but I spent the time and did ringlets throughout my hair, I felt like I looked pretty nice. Then I see the kids are set up to play outside. It’s a lovely setting, there is sangria and wine stations all around, but it’s hot, humid and buggy and I’m already fighting a yeast infection.

So my hair droops, the shrug comes off after the first two glasses of wine, and the ever present tight nylon tourniquet is making yeast grow as I sit there. I know it. There is wine and food everywhere, and at $50 a ticket, I wanted to enjoy. But I was sweaty and had Spanx on. Spanx with no pee hole. I knew if they came down, they weren’t going back up! So with all of this, I was afraid to drink too much!

Next time, I think I’ll leave my hair, and stick with the bandelettes.  I’m not sure being lump-free was worth it.


I’ve talked about spanx before here. Check it out!

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