Fun Times at the Gyno

gynoWoohoo for the Gynecologist! I’ve had enough issues over the years, that the gyno I have been going to for 9-10 years has a folder as thick as my head. The three times I tried to get pregnant, I got pregnant immediately (though one didn’t make it). I had my last child at 38, and while I was on the table getting my second C-section, the Dr. asks me “Do  you want me to tie your tubes while I’m in there?” Silly me was thinking…”God forbid something happens to either of my kids, I may want another” even though I knew I was done.

But when you are lying on an operating table with your guts hanging in the breeze, it’s not the best time to make a life-changing decision like that. So here I am almost 8 years later, still dealing with worrying about getting pregnant.

I HATE condoms. My husband takes forever with them, and right at the best time, he stops to check that it hasn’t come off (we’ve had that issue ladies, and believe me, it’s not fun and it’s not a size problem.) But he is a big chicken! We’ve been together 26 years, I think he has gone to the Doctor twice. The idea of someone getting near his dick with a knife makes his face go white and I think he gets a bit dizzy. (Manly man, right?)

Because I have Lyme disease and other issues, I cannot be on any hormonal birth control. We’ve always taken a small chance at the right wrong time of month, but in the last 6 months, my periods have gotten irregular. So I’m going in for an ablation and finally getting those fuckers tied. My sex life is GOOOOOD. No condoms, no periods and not worrying every month will make it GREEEAAAATTTT.

Besides…you don’t want me to write a blog about the next time I lose a condom in my vajayjay do you?


So we went for a pre-test yesterday. They had to get a sample of my endometrial lining with no anesthesia. So my big bad husband (he’s not really big, but he acts it, and he is all muscle) is there being my rock and my comfort. All I have to do is look at his eyes and I’m lost. Until they weren’t able to reach my freakin cervix! Apparently my vagina is super long! (Thank god, because so is my husband) So the Doctor tried and tried to reach it, and it fucking hurt! The color was draining from my husband’s face as I yelped a couple of times, and he was done. The nurse had to get the smelling salts….FOR HIM!!!!

Well, I guess all the scar tissue is pulling my cervix out of the Doctor’s reach, so I have to go into the hospital under anesthesia an “git-r-done”. But this time, I think I’ll leave my husband home.

While we are on the subject of vaginas, WTF?

While we are on the subject of vaginas, WTF?


  1. I have Psoriatic Arthritis, and because of the medication it threw me in early menopause at 35! I have not had a period at all in three years! Great for the sex life!! Except they wanted me to be on two forms of birth control so I had an IUD put in in 2008. I picked Paragard because it didn’t have any hormones and it lasted 10 years! Great. Except at the time I was having irregular periods and they want to put it in while you are on your period, open cervix and all that crap. So I had to go in and get it not on my period! Hurt like a MOTHER!! They had to use the the thing that looks like a crochet hook to open my cervix to get it in there! But I was glad it was in and wouldn’t have to worry about anything for ten years. With my FSH levels way over 100 anyway there already was no chance of me becoming pregnant! WELL last year while having sex it hurt like a bitch and my husband said ouch! He felt something poke his one eyes willie! I didn’t think anything of it, but he kept saying every time we had sex that something was poking him. So I finally went to the gyno and he said the IUD broke and he could feel part of it stuck in my cervix. He tried and tried for about 30 minutes to get it out, and I’m being the biggest baby, it HURT! So he said he couldn’t get it out and that I have to have it surgically removed. Just great! So the next week I go in and have it taken out completly knocked out, which I was glad for, how embarrasing right!. The IUD is shaped like a T, well part of the T broke off and was embedded in my cervix and then scar tissue had formed over it because I waited so long to get it taken care of! So now it’s out and I still am in menopause at 39! But I love it! went through about a year of hot flashes and sporadic periods but now I have not had one in years and my sex life is awesome!! So if you have an IUD and your husband gets poked go get it checked out!

    • Wow. That is exactly the reason I’m scared of the IUD. I was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis for a few years before they changed it to Lupus, and then to Lyme disease. I thought I was going into menopause, but my FSH was only 2.8!
      That was what they were trying to do to me yesterday…open my cervix with a clamp and hook. Poor hubs couldn’t stand to see them hurting me. Yet he was fine during both C-sections….I guess in those cases the kids were his concern.
      Now they are going to put me out.

  2. Good luck to you and your husband, too! I have no more working inner female parts and I love it!!!! Our sex life has never been better, although I had libido problems for a while at first, it’s all good now. My husband also had a snip (with no tuck) job quite a while ago, which may help add to the gusto we experience today. He’s always been my rock and I’m glad of it since there have been a few medical experiences and conditions I’d love to live without. But, it is what it is and I’m lucky he’s the guy he is. Stay healthy and stay strong.

  3. Funny, I go to the gynecologist in a couple of weeks and because of my age…. the dreaded Mammogram too! Hate that! Nothing like have your tit sqooshed! I had trouble getting pregnant with my first child, my second child was like planned down to the day and my third was a Surprise! Everytime I had one is school…… 4 K….. no more daycare, no more potty training…. I got pregnant with another. Now my youngest is 14 and when he was in 4K I had a hysterectomy!!!!!! So, no more issues with periods or getting pregnant. I hate condoms too…. and as gross or crazy as it sounds…. I think men should have to go through something too…. where they don’t squirt that yucky stuff out no more! It is a mess to clean up!!!!! LOL So, sometimes I make my husband wear a condom just so I don’t have to clean up……. that kind of takes the romance out of the sex, huh? Well, after 27 years of marriage….. I am like…. I really don’t need that (I have books, right?)….. I do love my husband and sometimes I make the first move, but the older I get the less interested I am in it….. SO, there you go….. the honest truth!
    I love your post. I have Graves Disease…… a terrible Thyroid disease, that the only cure for it is to basically kill the Thyroid…. which is what I did. So for the last 18 years I have had to deal with weight issues that I never had to deal with before then. A lot of my problem is I still see myself as the young, perky girl I was back then and not as this fat person that is in the mirror. I am trying to eat better these days and am slowly getting into tennis…. I found that this wore me out more in 30 minutes than any exercise class ever did for me….. So, maybe I can get it to stick! Hope so!

    • The books get me into it! I’ve been with my husband 26 years. I have learned that if he doesn’t get it regularly, he is an asshole, so if I want to keep the “dick” at bay, it needs playtime. And I enjoy it when it happens, it’s just a matter of wanting it to happen.

      I see that same person in the mirror. I still think like I’m young and thin. Too bad I don’t look that way.

      • Yeah…. I have to admit the books get me sometimes too! My husband pouts when I put him off too long…. so I usually just give in to save peace! LOL


  1. […] First of all, my husband almost passed out at my gynecologist appointment! (My hero!) Read about here. Then my little guy lost his tooth and now is all gums. Plus, he got the flu.  Older spawn was […]

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